So where did it all go wrong? Rather where and when did it all start? Was I always like this? Did life, relationships, work or social association change me? Most of the people who know/knew me have the answer to these questions or at least they think they do. Do you know me well and closely enough? Think about it.
I will try to summarise this in a nutshell. You see, my life was always an ensemble of narratives that never matched with more than one person. Complicated and rightly so. Call it my self preserving mechanism or my disillusioned past experiences. Trust relations with my parents was always an issue, and I was never daddy’s boy or mummy’s boy due to this, adding physical and mental pain added to the equation. When I mean pain I mean actual blood/scars and mental pain. Other family members are proof to this as they have seen and noticed it. Between the ages of 6-12 years I thought it was normal as most parents would be inflicting pain (visual and non-healing in my case) to maintain discipline, knowing little that when I would start going to Secondary school and learn otherwise.
In comes rebellion and out goes respect, logic and fear. I wanted to get out of home away from them – the monsters – for the very reasons I mentioned earlier, preservation and trust. Fast forward to University where I hid the sadness, fear and loneliness of what I was going through behind bullying others. I never hurt anyone physically if thats what you are imagining now. I was always making fun and jokes about people, their issues or lifestyle. Eventually grew out of it and learned I didn’t want to be the reflection of my parents. When university ended it was a dream come true, I took loans and rented an apartment with cash I never had. Browed from more credit cards and took more loans to pay those maxed out cards. When parents have to teach their children about financial responsibilities mine blamed me for being a curse and my past behaviour of not being their slave or pet was the reason for all those failures.
Over the years drinking found its way into my sad boring life and work, and I loved being alone to be honest. Love life was affected because I loved to be alone, I was also in over my head thinking what I thought and said to the girl was always correct. Always suspect (not cheating) that they were always after changing my mindset. Every girl felt like a version of my parents. I didn’t give chance for adjustment, pain, betrayal like normal relationships. Except for the last one, I see the similarities of abandoning and blaming.
Eventually realising I had liver cirrhosis and to add to that, cancer. I ran out of the UAE to Thailand. I wouldn’t have left if I had an indication of a better life or relationship that would not reflect my past scars. But it felt more like I was begging to settle down for all those years and nothing really came of it. I was always there available but as relationships go, the person was there as show. These are my thoughts and how I saw those emerging.
In Thailand I searched for solutions to the liver issues, donors, medical advice but realised that it was dragging along. Come September 2023 I had my first check up in India, and the verdict was what I always worried. Treatment started and came along the unbearable pain and endless suffering with it. It’s currently November and visits to the emergency room and weekly tapping continues. Looks like being a veggie in bed is something I have to get used to.
Leave a Reply